Las Vegas, NV

So apparently people are confused by playing cards in Vegas. I get it, I dig it, I understand the whole need to be drunk whilst handing out copious sums of money to a dealer and hoping your bleary eyed stagger is considered a clear intention of what you want at the card table. But out here in Vegas, the thing they want most is for you to have to, you know, lose any sense of fun and entertainment.

What happens in Vegas is likely not all that good of a time.

So apparently now that the weather has cooled down, the tourists need incentive to come out.

Wait… what? I mean seriously, Vegas is gorgeous right now. The weather is hovering in the nineties and it truly feels like fall. But people stop coming when the weather turns nice? That makes no sense whatever. But then, what about Vegas does?

Corona, it seems, is sponsoring a foosball tournament. Yes, foosball. As in, table soccer. As in, no physical talent required. Well, not really I guess. I mean, there are tournaments for video games so why shouldn’t there be a tournament for something that requires you to stand over a table yelling curses across at your opponent.

And yes, the foosball tourney has a cash prize of $100,000.00 You read that right. You can win a hundred grand playing foosball.

Only in Vegas, baby, only in Vegas.

So we’re getting a second Hard Rock. Imagine that. I mean, we have one already, and it has a hotel, but I suppose that two whole blocks away thing was just too danged far for the touristas to hoof it. If you ever visit Vegas, you will learn that every casino/hotel has approximately the same items, just arranged differently. So now, I guess, we’ve gone beyond basic duplication into full on self-parody.

Or else there would be mass media coverage of it.

No, today is a nice slow day here in Vegas. Which leads me to a letter to the editor appearing in the Arizona Republic. This one was a response to the last one I linked here about how horrible Vegas is.

This one ponders, “If Vegas is so horrible, why can’t Phoenix bring people to itself as a major tourist attraction?” I would answer that question with this: people come to Vegas because Vegas bids them come.

People don’t come to Vegas because the hotels are nicer than anywhere in America. They don’t come to Vegas because the food is better than anywhere in America. They don’t come to Vegas to gamble. They don’t come to Vegas to whore it up. They don’t come to Vegas for strip clubs. All of these things can be had around the nation in much better climates. No, people come to Vegas because Vegas builds an atmosphere and maintains it at a heavy cost. Vegas is a city of perception engineering. We are the best cheapest imitation in the world and our goal is to bombard you with so many smoke and mirror acts that from the time you arrive to the time you leave you scarcely know what’s what.

But you’re pretty sure you enjoyed it. The money quote from this letter to the editor?

Waste Dump Of Debauchery

…then most likely we’re doing something wrong.

Vegas is, in a lot of ways, a fetid compost heap of humanity. It’s all the worst things in the world piled into a single spot and allowed to ferment.

But, that said, it’s also home. To almost two million folks. And the vast majority of them have nothing whatsoever to do with all the reeking garbage. Vegas is simply a distorted reflection of America. You can recognize America in it, sure, but it blows up the worst parts. It takes MTV and makes it into a red swollen blister on the upper lip of the face of culture.

And again, that said, it’s also home. And this city can be something greater than itself.

Las Vegas is running out of water. Imagine that, we’re in the middle of a desert and running out of water. So where is all the water going? More than half of it is going to grass. Sod. Bermuda or Rye or St. Augustine. Now, given the law of conservation of energy, I don’t think the water is permanently gone. Rather, I think that our city is a little on the dumb side for even allowing grass outside of public parks. But that’s just my opinion.

There is no news in Vegas these days outside of the news that O.J. Simpson is a big fat jerk who thinks he’s above the law. Hello 1995.

In other news, PETA is protesting fur by sending out naked chicks. I think all this does is garner awareness of naked chicks. If you really want to be anti-fur, how about you send some horribly ugly or disfigured guys and girls to dance around naked. That would likely get you more attention and, maybe if you solicited donations, get people to make you stop.

I sometimes forget (read: block from my mind) that Vegas has some peculiar sights. The monorail by the strip is one of those.

Now, I remember when I first heard about it I was thinking, “Awesome! A light rail system that runs to and fro throughout the city making transit efficient, cheap and easy.” And then I found out it runs like three blocks around the strip. Hurray.

So yeah, apparently I’m not the only one who thinks it sucks.

Oh and O.J. got arrested. I’m sure the gloves won’t fit.

Did O.J. rob the Palace Station casino?

No, O.J. is never guilty of a crime. Besides that, there was a conspicuous lack of blood at the crime scene. And, well, that kind of rules him out.

It’s good to know he’s here in town, though, and that he’s not going anywhere.

Las Vegas gets sports and sporting events that the rest of the world can only hope to catch on ESPN 8 ‘The Ocho’.

That said, I think this one is going to have to be bumped down to ESPN 9, the Nonagon.

The 2007 Championships are exclusively No Limit Hold’em and feature four events: Ladies, Supervisors and Owners/Managers have been added to the Dealers competition.

How exactly do you compete as a manager?

I often wonder if the people that make up the Las Vegas Convention and Visitor Authority must have some sort of contest where they attempt to come up with more revolting and eye rolling slogan for the city.

The new slogan “your Vegas is showing” is meant to show potential tourists the products Las Vegas has to offer them.

Your Vegas is Showing? Unbelievable. I mean, whoever threw that one out ought to be given a diamond ring and allowed to retire.

Next up, “Vegas is the full frontal nudity of America.”

More tourists! Actually I love tourists because they pay my state income tax.

It seems Vegas is customizing its famous Happens Here, Stays Here campaign to foreign visitors. I can dig that, but it begs the question, “What other cultures are going to have this pitched at them?”

Are there going to be ad campaigns in Canada? What Happens in Vegas is little more than a horrific sunburn to your pale Canadian flesh.

Australia? What Happens in Vegas will amount to you getting blackout drunk and then waking up with someone who thought your accent was cool and you thought was good looking. Turns out you were both wrong.

I could go on, but I won’t.

Everybody pumped and then dumped Britney based on her lacluster performance at the VMA’s. Personally? I think this is the end of her career. No, not K-Fed. No, not having two kids who she barely raises. I think this, this deluded dream of a comeback is the final nail in that skanky coffin.

Why? Because everything about this whole scenario says that if she isn’t done, she will continue to suffer downgrades until Kathy Griffin is having her perform at her friend of a friend’s birthday party.

So Oscar Goodman thinks we should have a Red Light District downtown. The libertarian in me says the tax revenue would be a nice boost. The moral conservative in me shakes its head and wonders what the next line Vegas will cross will be.